I’m pretty sure that on a daily bases I am thinking about how I can improve my life or the people around me. It almost has seemed like and obsession but at the same time my life has changed so much over the course of the years, I think it is just how I am wired.
Now this was not the case when I was younger. I remember many times I would pray and ask God why things were the way they were. I wouldn’t understand why there was so much abuse to us as children and why no one would save us.
I would pray at night to God and ask him to please take me away from this place. I knew that the pain was going to come again and again. I would go to church and ask the pastor to help me and they would say “you just have to be there until your 18”. I just didn’t understand why God wouldn’t help me and then the people that were called to serve wouldn’t either.
Years and years of course went by and I did find the light to the end of my tunnel at the early age of 16. I was then married and having a baby with a man who also abused me. Then again I would be crying and asking God “why won’t you save me”, “Why is he hitting me again?” I would try to be strong for my children at this point I had 2 but it was hard. I had no family around me and no real friends. I was left in an apartment with no food or electricity, with little babies that were hungry. I had no money, no driver’s license, no job and a husband who ran around all the time and left me there.
You may even be thinking to yourself why didn’t I leave. I had no were to go and no idea how I would make my life different. Then my 3 little baby came along and I was 21 years old and had finally received my driver’s license. I had a job at a pizza place but was still stricken with about 20 panic attacks a day. My life was changing though and I was getting stronger.
Then that day came when he hit me for the last time and I got a protection order and set things in motion to divorce him. Yes, I did find my way. It was with baby steps and I learn a ton along the way.
The thing is, I search for it. I wanted it to be different. I had to make it different and I did not want my kids to be raised in that situation. It’s been over 21 years ago now that I made a change in my life that I will forever be thankful for. I let go of someone who was never going to be kind, supportive, nice, stable, respectful and good for me. Was it hard? Heck yeah it was. I had nothing, absolutely nothing and no one to help me. I had to help me and I am so glad I did or I would still be in that welfare apartment with kids and a husband who may have killed me by now.
Do you struggle in life to let go? I know it can be hard. It was hard for me at the age of 21 with no high school diploma and 3 kids living on welfare to let go. You know what I know now. That I am a powerful fierce woman who has changed not only her life but the life of my children. I went back and got my GED and went to college. I even own my own business now and absolutely love what I do. I hope me sharing a little piece of my personal story inspires you to have the courage to let go of someone or something that is not for your highest good.
The one thing that I truly know is that God was always with me. That in all those moments when life was so rough, I was learning and giving to others. I was creating a life for myself with his help that was one I desire and deserved. He also gifted me with all the gifts in the world to serve other Highly Sensitive People out there that struggle to let go. God is so good and life is so perfect.